Avoiding Battles at the Dinner Table

I like my kids to be open to trying new things but I don’t ever want to force them to eat things. Food battles don’t make for pleasant dinners or good lifelong eating habits.But I want them to eat healthy and understand the difference between treats and healthy foods. And of course, I want to do this in an affordable manner.

It Must Sit on the Plate

When my kids were toddlers, I decided that one of my goals was to have them tolerate food they didn’t like sitting on their plate. Not eat it—just let it sit there! I wanted to be able to take them out to dinner or to friends’ homes for meals without food arguments. I also thought that perhaps they’d try the food on their own after they got over the hurdle of having it sit there on their plate, although I didn’t expect this to happen anytime soon. So from the time they were little, I put a tiny spoonful of everything on their plates. At first, there were some arguments, of course, but I made sure the helping was small enough so that it wouldn’t drift and –the horror!—touch any other food on their plate that they did like and “ruin” it! I would encourage them to taste things but in a lighthearted manner.

Small Tastes "Just to Try It"

Now that they’re older (9 and 12) we tend to serve “family style” at the table and they almost naturally take a small portion of everything. Sometimes they ask, “How much do I have to eat?” even though I’ve rarely pushed for specific quantities. At this point, I tell them to take a reasonable amount and they often take more than I would have expected. When they were littler, I would encourage one piece per year or one spoonful per year or something similar depending upon the food in question.

I do encourage them to taste things but the emphasis is on encourage. Sometimes I say, “You may not like it, but it’s kind of similar to such-and-such, which you do like.” Other times, I try the reverse psychology approach and say, “This is something most people don’t like until they’re grown up, so you may not want to try it.”

Ewww! That’s Gross!

So we have hit my goal by letting the food be tolerated on the plate. And they are pretty good eaters. My eldest is a bit more adventuresome than my youngest and loves things like calamari and salmon. She’s more willing to try things and will sometimes comment that she used to not like something and now does. Recognizing that her taste buds change over time has made her more willing to try things. Of course, we’ve all experienced those taste buds changing in a bad way when you’ve just stocked up on some favorite food item when your kids decide they hate it!

One thing I knew was that if I expected them to try new foods, they had to be able to be honest and tell me when they didn’t like something, so we talk about what they did or didn’t like about something. Was it the texture? The taste? The smell? Or just the thought of it?! We’ve also worked on some polite ways to express, “Ewww, that’s gross!” When I was growing up, my own mother experimented in the kitchen quite a bit and there was one particular magazine that she seemed to get more bad recipes from than good. It became a well-known code at the dinner table, when my father would say something like, “Hmmm… This is different. Is this an XYZ recipe?” We all knew that meant he wasn’t overly fond of the new dish.

In my house, I just ask if it’s a “repeat” or not. Sometimes they’ll say, “Well, it was okay but there’s lots of other things I like better.” Or one of them will like it and one not. I now try to mark in the cookbook or on the recipe which one liked it and we rate by stars. A three-star recipe means we all liked it. If none of us liked it, I mark the date and write “No!” on it so I don’t fix it again. If it’s something I thought correctable, too much of a particular ingredient or seasoning, I note that and may or may not try it again.

And if none of us like it, I have given myself the freedom to throw the leftovers away. This small act, while it goes against my frugal nature, has done wonders for the attitudes of my kids I think. They see that I can admit to making a mistake and I don’t force any of us to eat it again.

Give Them Options with Side Dishes

One of the things my sister taught me is to make sure I have something I know they like when I’m experimenting. If the main dish is an experiment, I make sure I have a big fruit salad or baked potatoes or something else like that they can fill up on. I try not to make a whole meal of new recipes unless I’m pretty confident about the outcome.

Eat All Your Colors

In addition to having good manners, I do want my children to eat well and enjoy a variety of foods. I picked up a brochure once from a supermarket that referenced eating five colors a day. Essentially, each color grouping of fruits and vegetables has distinct health benefits: blue/purple, green, white, yellow/orange, and red. Sometimes we count up how many colors we’ve each eaten that day and they become more aware of trying to eat a variety of foods. It helps keep them out of the rut of eating only certain things and it helps me when I’m at the grocery store or planning my meals.

A Sweet Ending Now and Then

My “rules” regarding desserts are pretty lenient. First, we don’t have dessert every night so there’s not a nightly battle. We typically don’t have snacks after dinner either so they know to fill up at dinner for the most part. Many of my desserts are fruit-based (although pies are a favorite!) so I can feel pretty good about letting them eat at least a small portion no matter what they ate for dinner. If we have company, I pretty much don’t insist on anything. I want to enjoy my meals and enjoy the company and have always figured one night of less than optimal eating won’t cause lasting damage. But if it’s a normal night of just us and I happen to have a dessert, they have to have eaten what I consider a reasonably balanced meal or they don’t get dessert. This hasn’t caused many problems because I do try to make sure there’s something on the table they like to munch on, like cut up red peppers or carrot sticks, that makes for a balanced meal.

Pleasant Dinners Make Pleasant Conversation

A pleasant meal for me is one with good food and good company. Sullen children, staring in disgust at their plates and pushing food around with their forks trying to make it disappear, pretty much ruin the meal for me. When we’re all relaxed at a meal, enjoying our food, we talk and linger over the meal. Shakespeare wrote: “Unquiet meals make ill digestions,” but in our house, unquiet meals are the best! We share our days, our hopes, and our desires while we share our food.